Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. (Psalm 119:105)
As a young boy, I was afraid of the dark so I avoided dark places. Problem solved! Not really. My train set and my dad’s workshop were in the windowless basement of my grandmother’s place of business. If I wanted to run the old “Lionel” or build something with the shop tools, I would brave the steep steps to the basement and systematically turn on every light – even in the out-of-sight spaces. As long as every light was on, I could relax. When I finished doing whatever it was that inspired me to go to the “dungeon” in the first place, a different routine would ensue. I would run with Olympian speed through the maze of dank and musty spaces, in an equally methodical way, flicking switches and pulling chains that turned the lights off. With a racing heart and labored breathing, I would hurtle myself up the stairs, hit the last switch and slam the basement door behind me.
The basement door led straight into the midst of my grandmother’s tavern, so on many occasions, a young frenzied boy (me) would “pop” out of the dark into the light. On nearly as many occasions, my grandmother’s customers would sneer, snicker, and ask in a shaming tone, “Why are you so afraid of the dark?” Answering their question in my thoughts, the most obvious answer was, “There’s scary and ugly stuff in the dark. I could get hurt in the dark!”
My fear of the dark diminished as I grew older, and verses such as the one above gave me comfort. A lamp for my feet and a light for my path would make navigating in a spiritually dark world much safer. Problem solved! Not really. God did something I didn’t expect. God’s lamp exposed another spiritually dark place.
You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. (Psalm 18:28, emphasis mine)
God’s lamp was no longer just aimed at the darkness that was around my feet; it was trained straight at the darkness within me – the darkness in my heart.
The Lord’s light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive. (Proverbs 20:27)
God revealed that as I grew older, my fear of the dark hadn’t just diminished; I had actually started to embrace and look for relief in the dark. Knowing He was right, another unexpected thing was revealed. I was afraid to look at my own heart. I was afraid to look at how ugly and damaged my heart had become.
The boy who was afraid of the dark had become an adult who was afraid of the light. I was afraid that God would snicker and sneer at me, and in my thoughts, I wanted Him to turn off the light. Then (not to imply that it happened quickly, because it did not) I began to see God’s heart in the light as well. There was no condemnation in God’s heart - just love and concern. Because of His love, it was safe to look at my sick heart.
I aroused you under the apple tree, where your mother gave you birth, where in great pain she delivered you. Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal over your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. (Song of Songs 8:5b-6, emphasis mine)
Our Heavenly Father’s brightest light and love are indistinguishable. It is not His light that I need to fear; that is where I will be made well. In His light, I see safety and healing. I do not see any sneering or snickering. God has been teaching me that I need to fear the spiritual darkness, similar to the way I was afraid of the dark as a young boy.
There is scary and ugly stuff in the dark. Without fail, I will get hurt there. You’ll get hurt there too.
Grace to you.
David Paukner
